Ripped By mstoll
Okay.
Could you take it easy, please?
We've got a severe case of hangover here.
Oh.
What happened?
I can't see.
Here, sit down.
I couldn't cope with a collision.
Oh, is there any very black coffee on?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah. Signs are good.
How many glasses of wine did I have last night?
Bottles, not glasses.
- Three. - Three?
No wonder my legs are Z-shaped.
So who drove us home? You or me?
We walked.
Why?
Well, I drove some of the way.
Being the sober one at that point.
But you decided you wanted to park the van and walk. So we did.
You mean, it's not outside.
You mean, you mean we didn't drive home in it?
No. We walked.
So where is it?
In a road somewhere. We'll find it.
Oh, what a ridiculous situation.
The Dragon, wasn't it, where we ate?
Yes, it was.
Well, then it must be somewhere around there.
Yeah, we'll go and look after coffee.
I've never been drunk before.
I've been tipsy, yes, I've been
merry, yes, but never drunk.
Do you remember anything?
I remember actually parking, yes,
but it was dark. I just did what you yelled me to do.
Oh, my God.
You kept saying something about I know this is wrong.
But the wronger it was, the more it made you laugh.
I don't remember anything.
Perhaps the police will help?
Oh, what are you going to tell them?
Oh, hello, officer. I wonder if you could find my van for me.
Only I was too pissed last night to remember where I parked it.
You're right.
We had fun anyway.
And that's what the exercise was all about.
- Sorrow. - What?
Sorrow. It was about sorrow.
It was about you loving a woman who has a husband.
About me loving a man who has a wife.
Well, at least we know how stupid it all is.
I mean, come on, I'm 24.
Coming up to 30.
Halfway up the ladder of life.
If at 24 you're halfway up the ladder of life,
I just fell off.
Goodbye to all that aggro,
all that sneaking around,
all that whispering,
- all that waiting. - Especially all the waiting.
I'm going to go and get changed.
Then we can go and look for the van.
Yeah, well take it easy. Don't knock my chair.
I could plunge into a coma.
Oh.
Breakfast, Luke!
Yeah. Coming.
My God!
What is she up to?
Luke!
Yeah. Coming.
- Alright, darling? - Yes.
Pour the coffee, would you?
Let's carry on as if everything were normal, no hysterics.
Then later on we can talk about things sensibly.
- Alright? - Yes. Yes.
I wonder who this is from.
No stamp.
Doesn't look at all familiar.
Helen, we should talk now. Immediately.
This very moment. There's no point in delaying things.
Hm. It's from the lady next door.
Her cat was ill. I ran her to the vet's.
Ah.
The rest are bills, as usual.
- You not eating? - Eventually, yes.
- Here. - Thank you.
Isn't it strange?
The one word we haven't spoken about is divorce.
Oh, I expect it'll find its way into the next row.
I suppose it's because I've never seen her.
I can't picture her in my mind. So I...
...I don't see you together.
- Helen. - If I'd heard a voice or,
or laughter or, or seen a picture.
Oh! My God.
Hello?
Oh, strange.
Probably a crank.
Oh. This house feels like somebody else's house.
I can't get started somehow.
Everything feels like somebody else's.
Well, it'll take time.
It... will feel like yours again soon.
Who was that on the phone?
You were right, it's probably some crank.
It stopped as soon as I picked it up.
Somebody mixed up about something.
I'm sorry.
- So am I. - You haven't done anything.
I haven't exactly fulfilled you.
I'm a fool. Any man would look at you and see that.
Are you going to be able to forget her?
Are you?
- I don't want a divorce. - No.
- Do you? - No!
There are a couple of things.
Oh? What?
There's a van parked outside.
Oh, that, yeah. I saw it. Idiots. I'll ring and complain.
Your slippers are on the wrong feet.
Oh, I thought everything was pulling in the wrong direction.
And you put marmalade in your coffee.
Oh, damn!
In this sort of situation, everybody suffers, don't they?
- They wrong and the wronged. - Yes.
Should we try again?
I need a day.
- A day? - To sort things out,
a day to do what I need to do, a day of reckoning, if you like.
- And then? - And then,
it's you and me.
Tidying up. If you want that.
I need to...
use the phone.
Privately.
Yes. Of course.
Thank you.
Helen?
I'll take it upstairs.
Oh, would you get that for me, Beryl? Could be Max.
Hello?
What the hell do you think you're doing?
What comes next I wonder?
More phone calls, a letter, a video?
Not that it should come as any great surprise to me.
The angry woman out to wreck everybody's life, along with...
Well, you're wasting your time, Max.
I've told Helen everything.
I'm ready to pay now.
And I don't need any aggro from you.
Thanks.
Hi, sweetheart.
It was a man. He was furious.
Oh, it'll be Robert.
I reversed the car into his herb garden this morning.
Now you won't forget to water this one, will you? Regularly.
Otherwise it'll shrivel up, like all the rest.
We definitely came along here.
Because I remember falling over.
Well, the thing is, which way do we go from here?
That way leads back to my place, but we've just come that way
and there's no van. That way takes us back to the shop.
- And that way... - I think we went down there.
I seem to recall you saying something about
liking to see his face in the morning.
- I said that? - Something like that.
Oh, no!
Alright, put the brakes on, will you?
My legs need advance warning
- for this kind of speed. - I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it. I wouldn't do such a thing.
I mean, it's pathetic to do a thing like that.
I wouldn't. I just know I wouldn't. Oh, my God! I did.
Why did you let me park on the pavement?
Oh, what will he think? What on earth will he think?
You mean, that's the guy?
That's him. That's his house.
And that's his wife.
Great.
You better move your calling card, don't you think?
All nice and calm now.
- You're just delivering flowers. - Of course we are.
Okay. So we parked badly.
How much are the carnations, dear?
Oh, uh, 1.50, please.
Oh, I can't afford that.
Well...
how much are the chrysanthemums?
Oh, they're 2.60 a bunch.
Oh, I can't afford that.
Well, what about the mixed flowers?
Oh, they're 1.75.
Oh, my pension won't run to it.
Well, how much are the roses each?
Oh, they're 50p.
I'll have two.
Sorry, what?
Two roses, please.
Right.
That's 1.50, please.
I think you made a mistake, I asked for two roses.
Oh, I do beg your pardon.
That's £1.
Thank you very much.
- Coffee? - No. Thank you.
Oi. Come on, sweetheart.
Calm down. You'll upset the rubber plant.
I'll have to phone him and explain.
I can't.
When you were having an affair with this guy,
you couldn't phone him at his office,
at his home, on your birthday, at Christmas,
when the cat got lost.
When he was in hospital.
What makes you think you can phone him now when you're finished?
Let's face it, sweetheart.
You couldn't phone this guy if you were on your death bed
phoning around your friends to say goodbye.
If he's gone back to his wife, sweetheart.
End of story.
But I didn't want it to end so bitterly.
It's life. It's truth.
I know it hurts.
But the sooner you give up on this escapade,
the sooner you can get back to life,
- for what it's worth. - You don't understand, Jamie,
I left my van parked outside his house,
on the pavement with everything
but my blood group written all over it.
I might as well have done the worst thing of all and phoned his wife.
Right outside the house it was, Simon, right outside.
And that's only the beginning.
There was a phone call, you know, you pick it up, nothing. Little...
How's your appendix scar, by the way?
Was a thin, straight line, but I've jumped so many times it looks
as though they took my appendix out with salad servers.
Right.
These can go back, for a start.
Childish, isn't it? But it's what we do, it seems.
Yeah, well, I'm always giving Nancy her presents back.
She only buys things she needs now.
I'm telling you, Simon, from now on, it's the straight and narrow for me.
Oh, well, it's the most comfortable road, the straight and narrow.
No scenery.
The Sexy Man's Diary?
You know, I can't believe that people get into these physical entanglements.
Supposing the fire bell went, you'd never get yourself sorted out in time.
Although, the way I feel at the moment, I've got no thoughts on the matter.
- I doubt if I'll ever have sex again. - Yeah, well,
we all say we'll never eat again
when we've just emptied the biscuit tin, don't we?
I feel like the captain of two sinking ships
and I don't know which one to down on with. See you.
- Don't you want this thing? - Thanks.
So? You've done it?
Yes, Simon, I've done it.
I've cut loose.
I emptied her presents all over her sofa.
And left.
Oh, she'd like that.
All the friendly qualities of a barbed wire fence.
I know you disapprove, Simon,
but you are looking at my dilemma from your well sorted out life.
Well sorted out?
I, my friend, spent my nights in a small bed alone.
At least you can sleep.
No one waiting for you to turn into a performing clown.
With my lonely head sticking out of the top
and my lonely feet sticking out of the bottom.
- All my spare parts lonely. - Oh.
You ever seen the little fledglings on the roof,
pipping backwards and forwards with a cat waiting on the lawn?
That's how I see my marriage. One wrong move, over it goes.
But you're lucky Helen came back, you know.
I mean, most wives would have fled for good.
Except Nancy, of course, she knows that
staying is the ultimate punishment.
At least I feel better now.
So... what it amounts to is,
it was always...
just an affair.
Always just fun.
She never really had a chance, your other person.
No. It doesn't mean that.
- What does it mean? - It means...
- Go on. - Don't rush me.
I know what it bloody means.
Well, I'll go and make us some coffee while you think about it.
Maybe I'll just paint the universe while I'm at it, give you more time.
- Hello? - Helen, it's me.
I'll be ten minutes, okay?
- Fine, darling. - You alright?
Bye.
Have you cashed up, Jamie?
Yeah.
We've done well today.
- Oh, how much? - Over £200.
I'll be able to retire soon.
I'll take a little cottage in a forest somewhere,
wear big floppy hats, lots of beads
and funny shoes and have dozens of cats following me.
Yeah, I get the picture. You're depressed again.
No, I'm not, I'm the opposite.
I'm relieved.
That's my girl.
Just think of the mess he's got to clear up.
At least you've got no one to explain things to.
Oh, I do, I have myself to explain things to.
And I'm angry with myself for being so stupid,
I didn't realise he was playing games with me.
But you're lying in bed tonight, all stretched out and warm
and free to wander wherever you like underneath the duvet,
think of him, lying to attention,
wondering when the next question's going to be fired at him, and
where the next answer's coming from.
- He deserves it. - Of course he does, sweetheart.
There are others, you know, out there.
I don't know what I saw in him any way.
He was about as reliable as cardboard wellies,
and totally undernourished.
Probably using up all his calories sneaking about, I suppose.
Can you imagine what it's like, those two, eating together?
Be more comfortable in the deep freeze.
You alright, sweetheart?
You're looking a bit peaky.
Will you send these back to the nursery, please, Jamie?
I'll stick to roses in future.
I don't want any more daisies.
'Right, Luke, that's it.
You could always shed your moods in my house, couldn't you?
But I could never shed mine in yours.
I could never do anything,
because I was a secret, a quick thrill,
something to be taken out of a box when required.
Well, it's war now, Luke.'
You cold with that window open?
No, not really, are you?
Mm, yes, I am.
That's better.
Did you, um...
Did you do everything you needed to do?
I think so, yes.
I wondered if we should go away for a while, holiday, or something.
We could, yes.
I'd like to tidy up a few things at work first.
We'll talk about it again.
Is it the wrong time for me to tell you that I love you?
I, er...
I feel...
Nothing?
I know. I felt like that too.
Until seven o'clock this morning,
when I saw your poor, trampled face on the pillow.
Trampled?
Well, yes, trampled.
Still, it doesn't matter for a man, does it?
A man's face doesn't age, it's not like a woman's.
A man's face is like a dried flower.
It may have lost all its silk and colour, but
it hangs on to that interesting parched look.
Was she young?
No.
- Younger than me? - Yes.
So I must be very old.
Not as old as me, nobody's as old as me.
So it wasn't just you trying to prove yourself?
Why would I want to do that?
Well, because men do, don't they?
- At your age. - I'm only 40, for God's sake.
- Was she thin? - Ish.
- You mean, she's perfect. - No, I don't mean that.
What sign is she?
I haven't worked it out... August.
Hm. She's a Leo. Conceited, bossy people.
I wouldn't know.
You must know something about her.
Does she use yellow bin bags?
This may come as a surprise to you,
but I've never actually enquired about her bin bags.
Pity. Cos there's one the bonnet of your car.
There's what?
Oh, my God.
You want to phone?
- I'll go and hoover somewhere. - No.
No. Let's finish dinner first.
What would you have done if you were she?
I would have done the same thing.
And when you went out to collect the bag, I'd shoot you.
I'll tell you what we're going to do, chaps.
We're going to go on a holiday somewhere, hm?
Somewhere where they take cats and rabbits.
And retired mistresses.
Who is it?
It's me.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm sitting in my house, I'm doing my legs.
First you park your van right under my wife's nose.
Then you make an anonymous phone call to my wife.
Then you put a plastic bag on the bonnet of my car for my wife to see.
So I've come to find out exactly
when you're going to come round to meet her.
I thought we might have an evening at home with letters and photographs.
I did not park the van there on purpose.
I had too much to drink. I was with some friends.
I'm very sorry for that.
But I did not make an anonymous phone call.
I don't do such things.
Not just a plastic bag either.
A yellow plastic bag.
A bright, glowing, never to be forgotten, yellow plastic bag
Well, that was in reply
to your letting yourself in and vandalising my house.
I returned your presents. That's all.
And I returned yours.
There's a considerable difference in our situations, isn't there?
Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot about your wife.
I'm not supposed to upset her.
You can let yourself into my house, you can throw things all over it.
But I must not put a plastic bag on the bonnet of your car,
because it might upset your wife.
Do you know something? I thought you were different.
I thought you were thoughtful and kind and special.
Yes, well, it's very disappointing, isn't it, Luke?
I never lied to you. I have a marriage.
Ours was an affair.
And bloody exhausting it was too.
'When can I see you, darling? ' 'Dinner's at eight, darling.'
'You're always with her.' 'You're never at home.'
In the car, your house. In the car, my house.
Weighed down with guilt, remorse,
self-loathing, two dinners, two puddings.
I had to lie in bed at night and, would you believe it, sleep!
Well, yes, you were the lucky one, weren't you?
Because you knew what was going to happen next,
you made all the rules.
With me, it was, 'Will he come? Or won't he come?
Do I cook? Or don't I cook? '
You wouldn't even get into my bed
without arranging your socks for a quick getaway.
And I don't know what you mean about two puddings.
You never used to eat my lemon meringues,
because you were always too full up with her apple mousse.
Well, you're winning, aren't you?
Sitting here in your pristine house with your...
God, I hate that rabbit.
I had to go home and sort out an insurmountable mess.
Well, it serves you right. You've had two loads of fun.
Now you can have two loads of grief.
I'm glad I found out about you before...
Before? Before? Before, what? Before you married me.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry! I'm not supposed to be...
I'm not entitled to think of such things.
Before I got out of my depth.
Well, you can wade safely ashore now, can't you?
- Right. - Right.
Right.
I never thought I could hate you.
Well, there's the door.
You should know, all you ever did was go.
Right.
And another thing.
How could I always be full up with Helen's apple mousse?
Have you come back to have another row?
I hate apple mousse.
So even if she had made it,
I wouldn't eat it, would I?
Max.
- I'm alright, just go. - I'm going.
Hasn't gone. The feeling, has it?
No, it hasn't gone.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
- Hello? - Hi, sweetheart. It's Jamie.
You alright?
Yes, Jamie, I'm fine. Except...
For being pregnant.
Ripped By mstoll